Hey hey! I am so sorry this is coming in late...but with tears in my eyes it saddens me to announce the migration of the Madarikan boy! Not india jor! I'm moving to word press! Here's the link!
http://thetamb.wordpress.com/
See you on the other side! Madarikan Boy out!

Nigeria wins Ten Gold Medals!!

DISCLAIMER: All characters,events and shitty illustrations in this blog ---Even those based on real people are entirely fictional. Readers discretion is adviced or something like that.


Hello Medaless people!! Been almost a month,i hope yall missed me. You didnt even notice i was gone *raises right eyebrow*. Keep quiet there jor!, we both know its cos you couldnt afford BIS for the past few weeks. So the Olympics is over, them Camerounians still havent been found o (Citizenship toh bad). Tho i have to give it to the Brits, it was all glamour to the end, except when Team Nigeria met its doom against Team USA *Shivers*. Heard if you say 'Anthony' to any of the Team Nigeria ballers they pass out immediately. Cant blame them, Post-traumatic stress i guess. But i trust my YY boys, Team  USA go pay o.

I have to say i enjoyed every bit of the Olympics (i still dont think that horse riding thing should be in the Olympics tho).  As we have all come to realize by now the Olympics is more than just a series of sporting events but is also a political arena which reflects the level of a country's development. The medals table (yes that table that Nigeria did not smell) is the round table (i know its not round, figure of speech as in 'Round table of Arthur's Knights', 'call centre table' for the pakos) where the Knights sit,with their shining armors and swords though some Knights are way bigger,stronger and richer than others *cou(America)ghs*. Couldn't come up with a better analogy,remember i put up a disclaimer o. Lemme try again. When buying boli (yes,which we all live for), you would notice that there is a segregation. With the majestic in front and the less majestic at the back and then we have the ones that don't even make it to the 'table'. I'm sure that should clear things up if you didn't know how the medals table worked. Such a beautiful analogy *wipes tears*
With the Olympics gone and Nigeria's absence (participation without a medal and absence wetin be d difference, abegi) i'm sure you cannot help but wonder how Nigeria could have performed better. I mean one bronze medal would have sufficed. You see i have come to realize while watching the Olympics and after carrying out extensive research (Google) that there isn't a single sporting event out of the 26 events in the Olympics which Nigeria should not be able to participate in. Not just participate but come out on top. Well apart from Gymnastics (no be by eba and amalar dem dey use do am). You disagree (not like i care) but lets look at this together;

1.  Archery- Have you never heard of the Fulani or the Bororo tribe?? Well i have after schooling four years at Ilorin. They steal cars with bows and arrows and make Legolas and The italian job look like amateurs. How they drive the cars, beats me. I once heard they could shoot the moon out of the sky and they invented the Arrow Roulette .Okay the moon part is not true, probably the arrow roulette too,disclaimer yo!  When asked if they would love to represent us at the next Olympics this is what i got above (inspiration for Naruto right there!). Having this wonderful and peaceful tribe representing us at the Olympics we are sure to get a medal, at least for costume.
2. Athletics - 9.63 right,thats bolts record, i laugh. Buy Gala and pure water, dont pay and speed off! Those boys go intimidate your car with speed,na to get headlight and plate number remain!
3. Basketball - This was a very troubling and sad sporting event for Nigeria. I'm sure you all heard about the 83 point massacre and to those that were unfortunate to have witnessed it, my condolences. One thing impressed me though the Team Nigeria coach spoke all the major languages in Nigeria at the end of each quarter as he wasnt sure what language they understood. Typical gypsies *sigh*.  My advice to them on how to make the Nigerian team better, they should stop drinking milo!! Na cocaine dem need jor!We've got all these tall boys in the north. C'mon! Boko Haram is doing a better job at recruiting them Yaro boys! Give these boys better options and you think they'll pick blowing themselves up over trumping lebrons ass after he did this!   

I doubt that!!!
4. Swimming - I would personally go to the Niger area  and kidnapp our future Phelps. I mean!  I would like to use this as a medium to plead with our professional swimmers. I'm sure most of you had no idea we had professional swimmers,better than Phelps, Lochte and Ye Shiwen combined. All dem mamiwater wey dey siddon for club dey shine teeth with boys nko....Ye shiwen no be una mate...see as she dey tear for wata so tey Phelps and Lochte won go sign for Arsenal o...na serious matter o,if una like make una no couple una sef dey go next Olympics when i hol sontin curse una,u go know au far!. DISCLAIMER O!
5.  Boxing: I'm sure we all get to witness our very own agberos sparring once in a while and i know you agree with me when i say  if Tyson and Klitchko had a son together, he'd be a vegetable beside our trusted agberos. I mean those guys punch anything, faces, buses, nepa poles, infertility out of a man, you name it! And to think we got knocked out in the first round, such a disgrace, considering we have boxers able and fit, i mean they dont even need equipmnets or clothes! Ever heard the saying 'float like a butterfly and sting arrange person dentition like an agbero'. Well now you have. That was coined after seeing Fadeyi boys spar!
6. Weightlifting: When Akpu has not finished on this planet!! Where my Akwa Ibom homies and babes abeg. China dominated this event, which brings me to the question how does a leaf and rice eating,skirt wearing,similar looking and wooden shoes rocking country like china win weightlifting??!! If you dont like the Stereotpying check out my big ass disclaimer above.
7. Cycling: The Ice cream man in my Secondary school then was incredible! Delivering such goodies from a far far away land regardless of the obstacles on his way. He was beyond awesome, He was a Superhero!! Im pretty sure he wasnt the only one of his kind, there are tons of them around,cycling away in the hot sun all in the name of delivering the cold crowned jewels to the kids. Imagine having these guys Cycle for us,they would rewrite history like im about to. History (Go figure!).
8. Table Tennis: I dont want to know how fast the Chinese play, place a bet on Agege and Ogba boys,trust me they'll make the Chinese look like they came to hawk pirated DVDs and chinco phones at the Olympics.
9. Rowing and Canoe Slalom: Ever wonder what those fishermen at the Argungun fishing festival are up to when they are not at the argungun fishing festival? They have underground and nightime canoe races duh! Its so dramatic it makes the premiership look like a school play! Tell them at the end of the course they each get a house,12 virgins, and a goat and see who brings home a gold medal. 
10. Football: We all know how to fix this. Agege isale boys would make a perfect replacement for the Nigerian U-23 football team. I need not say more.

We dont have to stretch this out to all the 26 Sporting events at the Olympics now do we. I'm sure you get my point. We've got the resources no matter how crude they may seem, i'm def sure with adequate and proper training we stand a shot at bringing home a medal. Like i said, its just a reflection of how well a country is doing and also a forecast of where a Country is heading. Nigeria with 0 medals to her name is just sad and brings tears to my eyes. Looks like im getting all patriotic on yall but just being real. Incase you didnt know we were used by Team America to break about 6 records in a match!!

                            WE

                           NEED

                           HELP!!!

As a Madarikan Boy, thats my take on the Olympics. Dont forget to drop a comment or two or three and share with your medaless folks! Here are some beautiful moments from the Olympics for those of you that missed it (i know say na OGTV cos am,sorry ehn). Enjoy.

 The Queen definitely was not left out of all the excitement, the sean factor was missing tho.

     Amongst the many things the Chinese invented is the 'Digbe Submissive move'

                            Help me!!! They found out i'm an illegal citizen!

  Best Olympics ever! Sightseeing was even on point. See Gold medal!!

                     Just a word of advice,those guys swim faster than 9.63 lol!

 
                                         Have i beat the Highscore yet?? ahhh!!

                                    They have no idea i'm about to go HAM!

                                     Phelps: She thinks shes about to go HAM
                                     Lochte: haha! Chinese dont go HAM

HAM!!

Lochte: Dude!!

Phelps: Mogbe!

Lochte: Uhn??

Phelps: erm...i mean shit!!

Madarikan boy out!

500 ways to improve Nigeria. hahahaha!!!

Waddup Ninjas!  I know, I know, Missed you too! Hope yall like the remodelling i did with the blog, feeling all blog-savvy at the moment,dont crush the feeling with your badbelle! And yes that is Asa wrapped up in a Nigerian Flag (talk about being stoned right,i know!). So a lot has happened in a while,  Death of the Ghanian president Attah Mills (May his Soul R.I.P),  EFCC finally decides to 'prosecute' the Subsidy scandal 'suspects' *yimu toh quality*, release of the highly anticipated and yet highly disappointing O.B.O by former Davido now David Adeleke (who has given up his 'music career' to finally go to school), and most importantly the eviction of Goldie from the BBA House. I have to say that last one was a relief and it should have come sooner. Now we can watch BBA and go to bed without having nightmares. BB doesnt have to censor the contestants faces and my television doesn't up and face the wall anymore when BBA is on now that she has been evicted. #DasAll. But that babe can fall hand choi!Considering all thats happened around, there has been nothing of major contribution to the  growth of the country  #StaleGist. Nothing on Broda Ebeles end, tho i did hear that BRF arrested a colonel for taking the BRT lane, Babaniyen!.  With the growth of Nigeria taking a very long vac, great minds like mine *wide grin* have come up with solutions to get her back into full gear, you could say a defibrillator (na Greys Anatomy cause am o). Well i say a kick in the ass and about time too. So here goes nothing;

ABOKI! ORE MI! OYI M! Whats the bloody difference?!!

After the 'successful' launch of 'The Tales of a Madarikan Boy' i got a cascade of comments. Okay truth be told wouldn't exactly call it a cascade more like a sprinkle of comments,some relevant and some not so relevant. Although the comments and constructive criticism are always welcome and appreciated (but u go like behave o!).
So...writing a blog is def hard,i mean i thought temple run was 'cray' (not to brag but i got a highscore of 989,000) until i decided to put to keyboard my insane yet sane thoughts. The hardest part of it all is finding inspiration (No, weed does not count as inspiration. Thank you.), then wrapping your head and fingers around the information surge maniacally prancing in your skull. It is not gbegiri, i tell you!.
Lets get down to business as i know you are trying to conserve your Blackberry batteries (i.e. 1 out of the 4 batteries you own). A controversial matter has reached my very busy office and it has been given utmost attention as it is a matter of high urgency and National Security but seeing as the Government *looks to the left, looks to the right* is incapable of handling matters other than changing names of schools, and appointing unqualified gbagaunisians as Perm Secs in Ministries i have brought it upon myself once again to attend to this growing act of Terrorism.
Tribalismiasm. Okay thats a made up word (na you get blog??).
Tribalismiasm:  'It is a state of mind where a group of yoruba people overtly and carelessly express their thoughts without much consideration of its impact on the environment in languages only understood by their fellow tribesmen' (Me; 2012). It is not only detrimental to ones health and psyche but its like getting front row seats at a Lord of Ajasa concert or being a contestant on Big Brother Yoruba edition! #SuicideInAllRamifications.
Tribalismiasm, TRS for short (yes! another made up word) has been reported rampant especially in offices such as Banks and Professional Service firms (Barbing Saloons and moin-moin sellers included) leaving its victims dumber than Kim Kardashian *shivers*

   LORD HELP US!!!

TRS also takes it toll on the environment as we are informed by an  Environmental activist, Al whore Gore. It has been discovered that the heat being released into the atmosphere resulting from the H-Factor syndrome (Himmhigration,Hellitrate etc.) has contributed to the melting of the polar ice caps,as stated by Al Gore (no be me talk am, make una no lynch me o).
By the powers vested in me i hereby re-instate THE COMMITTEE to once again come to your aid.
 THE COMMITTEE shall be spearheaded by none other than Farouk lawan Farouk Nuhu Ribadu (had to settle for the next best thing *rme*.
Dapo Oyebanji (who cant seem to find his nigerian passport) for media realtions, Arsene Wenger for Finances, Abul Qaqa who has left Boko Haram to heed the greater calling of THE COMMITTEE as our security personnel,plus he heard employees get free moin-moin.
THE COMMITTE asks that you join the fight against Tribalismiasm by reporting tribalismiastic activities in your environment. Such activities may include
- Conversations that sound like Obesere's album is playing.
- Conversations that make you think you want to buy a chinco phone at computer Village.
- Conversations that make you think you can hear a timer ticking.
- Singing of the national anthem in Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa (Still cant figure out why the peace and unity part cracks the Hausa's up).
- Conversations involving Heat emmission. This is a vey common symptom of the H-Factor syndrome.
Report such activities to Dangote Weafons and Tactics Unit (D.W.A.T). Thank you.

Okay thats a whole load of crap, but on a real tho people Tribalism is not cool. It happens, it hurts and you dont know. More than ever we need to be one and not segregated.Regardless of the fact that i am Yoruba (Madarikan buoy!! woot woot!) i shouldnt find it hard to talk football in Yoruba, national anthem in Yoruba,even fart in Yoruba if i could. Well i find it embarassingly hard talkless of a non-speaking individual. Tears an environment apart so please lets be conscious of it. Thanks and God Bless.
Detayo for Senator, 2020! JK!

ASD! Please help!!!

No smartass  Patrick Einstein Albert Obahiagbon i wasnt planning on spelling out ASDA, i actually meant ASD as in Attention Seeking Disorder. The term attention seeking (or drawing attention) is a form of situation managing and generally reserved for such situations where excessive and "inappropriate attention seeking" is seen.[1] It can be voluntarily or involuntarily. The term is most often used in domestic, theatrical, tactical, marketing, and other situations. It also can be used as........*snoring and drooling* (WikiPedia can be boring when its not about Hitler, Abacha or Ted Bundy). Enough with the digression! Its a psychological defect which a lot of great people are dealing with. This dude that comes up on your TV with irrelevant information which he and his mindless minions (i think it should be the other way round) purport to be relevant. Whats his name again, he got an award one time like that 'the most cursed president', still cant remember. Moving on. Basically its become a widespread disorder which i believe should be curtailed immediately. I mean this is really really serious. Really really really really serious (cant seem to come up with a word to show how pertinent and percarious it is). There should be a committee on this. Headed by Chuck Norris of course. Brick top (Snatch,yes Im a Guy Ritchie fan,youll be mental not to be). Wendy the black fat lady on BET (I DISLIKE HER) to handle media relations,definitely some Bruce Banner for security, and Dr Sheldon Cooper,just to piss some people off ! TOP THAT!

 
My study of this viral disorder has left me with the ability to single out its cause and yes its host. Twitter..dumdumdumdummm!. I know it looks like im digging my own grave right, but hear me out. Its the subtle truth. Its a world of sharing information and networking and all sorts as you may,but what you eat ,what you are wearing,where you are, remains all that and NOT INFORMATION. I repeat NOT INFORMATION for emphasis.

I stumbled upon Twitter early 2009, April to be precise. Okay i didnt exactly stumble on it,its not a porno site now is it. I went out of my way to be on Twitter but then it was yet to be a rave (i think). Angelic in its intrisic nature. Yet to be violated and molested by the thoughts of my generation. A simple platform for sharing relevant information, such a wonderful world then. Then came the era of Stupiditas. The era where sharing obscene pictures and videos would make you a goddess, Yes i am talking about Kim Kardashian. It was and is insane. And thus it all began, the birth and spread of ASD!! 

SYMPTOMS OF ASD

- Consulting your followers before making a crucial life changing  decision

- Re-tweeting ('reposting of comments' for the twillitrates) of almost every single alphabet that comes up on your timeline ('profile' for the twillitrates)

- Taking  random cheap shots at Facebook. (We know its dead but come on, the dude is still flippin rich ya know!) 

- Having and using more than one twitter handle ('profile name' for the twillitrates).

- Tweeting about what you are eating atm (we thank God you can afford some decent meal but who gives a ****, keyboards messing up, ****!!)

If you are suffering from any of these symptoms contact THE COMMITTEE  and you shall be prescribed the required not-so medical attention known as 'finally beating sense into your existence'. If symptoms persist please find your way to the nearest Guru Maraj Temple and like the rest of its habitants seize further communication with normal people. 

Thank you.